Losing My Son

I'm taking a brief break from blogging due to the recent death of my son as a result of heroin overdose.

I will resume blogging in the near future.

Grateful for Grandchildren and Life's Precious Little Moments!

Good morning, my friends!

The past few days I took a brief break from my blog, My Journey of Recovery from Alcoholism, in order to spend a few days with my mom and grandchildren...we had a blast!!!

Kids remind you how precious life is and how to be grateful for life's little pleasures...like time together building and decorating a gingerbread house, playing ball or just cuddling up to watch Charlotte's Web!!!

I am currently working on an article, part 3 of a series, on understanding alcoholism and addiction. Hope to post this article later today.

Thank you for your support, encouragement and feedback! Your feedback motivates me as a person and in my sobriety!

Have a blessed weekend, my friends!

Understanding Alcoholism & Addiction : Part 2 of a Series

In Part 2 of this series, we will discuss what a drug is and alcohol is a drug. We will become more learn what alcoholism is and the symptoms and characteristics of alcoholism.

Education is key to understanding any disease. This post is intended to help educate both the alcoholic and the loved ones of the alcoholic to become better informed on the devastating consequences of alcohol abuse. Knowledge is power!

Most, if not all, of us have been affected by and/or know someone who has been affected by alcohol and/or other drugs either directly or indirectly. Did you know that alcohol is the most commonly used and abused drug in the United States? According to the  Foundation for a Drug-Free World website -  alcohol-related motor accidents  are the second leading cause of teen death in the United States.

Statistics related to alcohol abuse and alcohol use disorders are astounding! The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism estimates that in 2013 there were 16.6 million adults ages 18 and older with an alcohol use disorder (AUD). This includes 10.8 million men and 5.8 million women.

Of those 16.6 million adults, only about 1.3 million of them received treatment for an AUD at a specialized facility in 2013 (7.8 percent of adults who needed treatment). This included 904,000 million men (8.0 percent of men in need) and 444,000 women (7.3 percent of women who needed treatment).

Youth (ages 12–17): In 2013 an estimated 697,000 adolescents ages 12–17 had an AUD. This number includes 385,000 females and 311,000 males. An estimated 73,000 adolescents (44,000 males and 29,000 females) received treatment for an alcohol problem in a specialized facility in 2013.
Source: The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism

WHAT IS A DRUG?
Alcohol is a Drug!

A drug is any substance (with the exception of food and water) which, when taken into the body, alters the body’s function either physically and/or psychologically. Drugs may be legal (e.g. alcohol, caffeine and tobacco) or illegal (e.g. cannabis, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin).
Source: Drug Aware

WHAT IS ALCOHOLISM?

The following portion of an article found on the Healthline website provides a clear and easy understanding of alcoholism.

Healthline : Power of Intelligent Health
Alcoholism
Written by Darla Burke
Medically Reviewed by Timothy J. Legg PhD, CARN-AP on November 25, 2015
Part 1 of 8 What Is Alcoholism?

Alcoholism is also known as alcohol dependence and alcohol use disorder. It occurs when you drink so much that your body eventually becomes dependent on or addicted to alcohol. When this happens, alcohol becomes the most important thing in your life.

People with alcohol dependence will continue to drink even when drinking causes negative consequences, like losing a job. They may know that their alcohol use negatively affects their lives, but it’s often not enough to make them stop drinking.

Some people may drink alcohol to the point that it causes problems, but they’re not physically dependent on alcohol. This is sometimes referred to as alcohol abuse.
Source: Healthline

WHAT ARE THE SYPMTOMS OF ALCOHOLISM?

Now that we know what alcoholism is, let’s take a look at its symptoms. Symptoms of alcoholism are based on the behaviors and physical outcomes occurring as a result of alcohol addiction.

People with alcohol use disorder may engage in the following behaviors:

· drinking alone
· drinking more to feel the effects of alcohol (having a high tolerance)
· becoming violent or angry when asked about their drinking habits
· not eating or eating poorly
· neglecting personal hygiene
· missing work or school because of drinking
· being unable to control alcohol intake
· making excuses to drink
· continuing to drink even when legal, social, or economic problems develop
· giving up important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of alcohol use

People with alcoholism may also experience the following physical symptoms:

· alcohol cravings
· withdrawal symptoms when not drinking, including shaking, nausea, and vomiting
· tremors (involuntary shaking) the morning after drinking
· lapses in memory (blacking out) after a night of drinking
· illnesses, such as alcoholic ketoacidosis (includes dehydration-type symptoms) or cirrhosis (scarring) of the liver
Source:  Healthline

My family is genetically predisposed to alcoholism/addiction. I recall talking with my niece, who was 17 years old at the time, about the dangers of alcohol and other drugs. She firmly told me “I will never be an alcoholic!” I explained to her that I never planned on becoming an alcoholic. And, I hope and pray for her sake that she never becomes one!

Don’t think for a moment that you or a loved one is immune to developing alcoholism or addiction! Like most alcoholics I never thought I would become one. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and thought “Hey, I think I want to be an alcoholic, destroy my life, lose my job, my home, and myself, hurt my loved ones and tear my family apart!”

GET HELP NOW!

There is hope for a happier, healthier, and better life ahead for you and your loved ones! Sobriety can be achieved and believe me it is well worth it!!!

If you or someone you love is suffering from alcoholism and/or addiction, please seek help now! Asking for help is the hardest step to take but it gets easier from there! To help you get started I’ve listed some phone numbers and website links below.

Phone Numbers for Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help:

EMERGENCY 911

NCADD Hope Line 800-622-2255
(24 Hour Affiliate Referral)

Websites for Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help:

Alcoholics Anonymous  www.aa.org – Help for the Alcoholic
Al-Anon  www.al-anon.org – Help for the Loved Ones of the Alcoholic
Alateen  www.al-anon.alateen.org – Help for Children Affected by Alcoholism

Narcotics Anonymous  www.na.org – Help for the Addict

Nar-Anon  www.nar-anon.org – Help for the Loved Ones of the Addict

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc.
www.ncadd.org/get-help

DEFINITIONS RELATED TO ALCOHOLISM

The  Journal of the American Medical Association  website explains what alcoholism is, the characteristics and method used establish the definition of alcoholism as follows:

To establish a more precise use of the term alcoholism, a 23-member multidisciplinary committee of the  National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence  and the  American Society of Addiction Medicine  conducted a 2-year study of the definition of alcoholism in the light of current concepts. The goals of the committee were to create by consensus a revised definition that is (1) scientifically valid, (2) clinically useful, and (3) understandable by the general public. Therefore, the committee agreed to define

alcoholism as a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial. Each of these symptoms may be continuous or periodic.

(JAMA. 1992;268:1012-1014) ARTICLE Published online August 26, 1992 The Definition of Alcoholism Robert M. Morse, MD; Daniel K. Flavin, MD [+] Author Affiliations JAMA. 1992;268(8):1012-1014. doi:10.1001/jama.1992.03490080086030.
Source:  The Journal of the American Medical Association  -  http://jama.jamanetwork.com/Mobile/article.aspx?articleid=399449

Simple Definition of Primary: : most important : most basic or essential : happening or coming first
Source:  Merriam-Webster Dictionary  website -  http://beta.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/primary

Simple Definition of Chronic: medical : continuing or occurring again and again for a long time : happening or existing frequently or most of the time : always or often doing something specified
Source:  Merriam-Webster Dictionary  website -  http://beta.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/chronic

Simple Definition of Disease: : an illness that affects a person, animal, or plant : a condition that prevents the body or mind from working normally : a problem that a person, group, organization, or society has and cannot stop
Source:  Merriam-Webster Dictionary  website -  http://beta.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/disease

Medical Definition of Progressive: 1 : increasing in extent or severity 2 : of, relating to, or being a multifocal lens with a gradual transition between focal lengths
Source:  Merriam-Webster Dictionary  website -  http://beta.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/progressive

Understanding Alcoholism & Addiction : Part 1 of a Series

My last post “Thanksgiving in Alcohol Rehab” prompted me to dedicate an educational/informational post on alcoholism and addiction. However, once I started on today’s post I found my mind going in several directions. So I decided to create a series of posts containing alcoholism and addiction information, facts and statistics and will be posted in the near future.

Many people do not believe that alcoholism and addiction are diseases but that a person who suffers from it is just a bad or weak person, a person with no “willpower”. I’ve heard so many people say “if they really wanted to stop, they would” or “you just need more willpower”.

Most alcoholics/addicts have probably heard “if you really loved me, you would stop”. If you’re not an alcoholic/addict, you can’t imagine how much it hurts to hear those words and so desperately want to stop yet unable to do so. Do you have any idea how many times I have promised with all sincerity, the very best intentions, and tried so hard to remain sober only to blow it within days or even hours?! Neither do I but if I had a nickel for each time…!!!

At one point I reached a point that if I heard “willpower” one more time I was going to deck someone! Well, maybe not literally although it was tempting! LOL The loved ones mean well but don’t understand it’s not a matter of willpower or even just not drinking.

It wasn’t until I entered rehab that I fully understood that my alcoholism was a disease and it was not my fault nor was I a weak or bad person. Yes, alcoholism and addiction are diseases acknowledged and defined by medical professionals. I dare anyone to say otherwise, those are fighting words! LOL

Many people believe because alcohol is legal it is not a drug. Do NOT be confused, alcohol is a drug! For me alcohol is the worst drug! Why? Because once I start drinking, I physically and mentally am unable to stop until I blackout and/or pass out. Alcohol has severe and negative consequences for me, a Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde effect.

Shortly after I started attending Alcoholics Anonymous, a friend told me “one beer will get you drunk!” What the heck?! I remember thinking “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard, one beer won’t get me drunk!” Boy, he was right! I later told him he laughed and asked “Was I right?” Of course he was!

For an alcoholic, it begins with that first drink; it’s all downhill from there! Most of the time, I did not set out to get drunk just a good buzz. I can’t begin to count the times I planned on only having a few drinks. But, once I start it’s on!

There are numerous facets to this disease. Getting sober is the easy part, staying sober is the hard part a daily and lifelong battle! I won’t lie to you, not now that I’m sober, sobriety ain’t easy! Slips happen and I’ve had slips since rehab but I never gave up on myself nor lost my desire for a life of sobriety! I sought outpatient counseling and got myself back on track.

There will be days that will flat out suck! Hey, that’s life, sober or not, life happens! But I will tell you that even on the worst sober days life is a whole lot less complicated!

Remember, escaping with the bottle is only temporary. Life’s’ problems will still be there when you sober up. Those problems become more complicated with alcohol. For the alcoholic, alcohol of creates even more problems such as hangovers, no recollection of what you did the night before, how you ended up in a strange place, relationship, job, and/or legal problems, or worse…loss of life!!!

Truth is alcoholism/addiction is not just our problem. We are not the only ones suffering; it’s not all about us. Our loved ones hurt and suffer too, emotionally, mentally and often physically. Addiction is not a spectator sport, eventually the entire family gets to play.

Ok, I admit some of this may seem a bit discouraging and hard to take. Please do not be discouraged! I’m just telling ya the cold hard truth and sometimes the truth hurts. For an alcoholic/addict in active addiction we live in constant denial, the truth evades us. However, no matter how much these truths may hurt, they sure don’t hurt as much as the misery alcohol and other drugs bring to our lives and our families lives!

There is hope for a happier, healthier, and better life ahead for you and your loved ones! Sobriety can be achieved and believe me it is well worth it!!!

If you or someone you love is suffering from alcoholism and/or addiction, please seek help now! Asking for help is the hardest step to take but it gets easier from there! To help you get started I’ve listed some phone numbers and website links below.

Phone Numbers for Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help:

EMERGENCY 911

NCADD Hope Line 800-622-2255 (24 Hour Affiliate Referral)

Websites for Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help:

Alcoholics Anonymous  www.aa.org – Help for the Alcoholic
Al-Anon  www.al-anon.org – Help for the Loved Ones of the Alcoholic
Alateen  www.al-anon.alateen.org – Help for Children Affected by Alcoholism

Narcotics Anonymous  www.na.org – Help for the Addict
Nar-Anon  www.nar-anon.org – Help for the Loved Ones of the Addict

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc.
www.ncadd.org/get-help

Thanksgiving in Alcohol Rehab!

Well, first of all, when I signed myself into rehab, it sure never occurred to me that I would be spending birthdays and holidays in treatment! Thank God! Honestly, at that time, it may have delayed or deterred my decision to enter treatment.

So by Thanksgiving, I’ve been in treatment for my alcoholism over a month, wow time flies! I’ve made new friends within the house and local twelve step meetings, developing some very close bonds. Our counselors are very smart, compassionate and supportive ladies! They don’t hesitate to give us a swift kick in the rear as necessary! And believe me, sometimes we need it! Ha Ha Ha! They are helping me learn and understand so much about myself and my disease.

One very important thing I’ve learned is that it is NOT my fault that I’m an alcoholic! And I’m not a bad person because of it! I have a disease, yes, alcoholism and addiction are diseases. We will cover that in another post.

Brief Background:
I was raised in a conservative church but drifted away after high school. My boyfriend and I began attending a wonderful church a few years ago. It had always been instilled in me that drinking and using drugs was a sin.

As my drinking progressed, I prayed a million prayers for my recovery. I truly believed by attending church and drinking that I was an immoral and hypocritical person. At that time, I had no clue that I was an alcoholic and had a disease. However I knew something was wrong because no matter how hard or what I tried, I couldn’t seem to control my drinking.

Ok, back to Thanksgiving in treatment. We have been working on holiday coping strategies in group and how to talk with our families about ways they can help. My counselor and I have discussed various concerns and anxieties I have. By the way, she’s amazing! I feel so comfortable talking with her and respect her advice and input.

I told my sister when she picks me up, should we stop at a store on the way to her house, to stay close to me in case I would try to sneak and purchase alcohol. I didn’t think I would, but if tempted, I needed help in holding myself accountable.

I’ve already had two four hour passes away from home (treatment), and they went well. Thanksgiving will be my first eight hour pass. The day before I am so excited to see my family and feast on their awesome Thanksgiving dishes!

Thanksgiving morning comes and I’m excited but suddenly nerves and anxiety set in. Wow, I can’t believe how nervous I am, slight trembling of the hands, getting a bit nauseous. I’m not really sure why I’m so nervous and anxious. In part, I’m worried about how my family will treat me, preaching, inflicting guilt, bringing up the past...I don’t know! My family has been mostly loving and supportive so this really shouldn’t be a concern.

I decide to talk with our resident aid (RA) to see if we can figure out why I’m so anxious and how to settle down. She asks if I might be better off to stay at the house today…hmmm. Nope, I really want to see my family. I take some antacid and tell her if I get overwhelmed, I will come back early. We agree that’s a good plan. She’s awesome, encouraging, and positive and sets me straight as needed.

My beautiful niece arrives to take me to my sister’s house for dinner. We enjoy a nice talk on the way, catch up, and I tell her a bit about my anxiety. She lightens the mood and we joke and laugh, I’m feeling a little better.

We arrive at my sister’s and my sweet little granddaughter greets me. Oh it feels so good to hug my little munchkin! There’s my precious grandson with that smile that brightens any room! Of course it was great to hug my daughter who’s struggling with her addiction, waiting on her bed in treatment to become available. Everyone welcomes me with hugs and all is well.

Although it’s great to see everyone, my son was not able to make it and I miss his presence. We did not part on good terms; neither of us were in a good state and had an altercation. He moved in with a buddy and we haven’t talked since then.

Thanksgiving dinner is awesome as always. Mom, my sister and brother-in-law are great cooks! And my niece made some delicious macaroni and cheese! We talk, discuss my rehab and progress, laugh and enjoy each other’s company. Dad expresses how proud he is of me, tells me to keep up the good work, I can do it and glad to see I’ve put on some weight. Mom, my daughter and sister are very encouraging, also happy that I’m finally gaining weight (up from about 80 lbs to 95 lbs). I explained that we eat very well at home and reassure them I’m working very hard on my recovery so I can come home as soon as possible.

Earlier, I had called my boyfriend and left him a message wishing him and his family a Happy Thanksgiving. After dinner my phone rings, it’s him. Suddenly my hands tremble with nervous excitement. We talk a bit, catch up, he gives me words of encouragement, tells me he loves me and I reciprocate. It was so nice to hear his voice!

Well, it’s time to head home; eight hours went by pretty quickly. It’s hard to leave my precious grandbabies but I know they’re in good care with Mom and my sister and brother-in-law. My family and I hug; tell each other how much we love each other. I assure them we’ll see each other again soon.

My sister drives me back to rehab and we have a really good talk. It’s been difficult for me to talk with my family about my disease. This has been due to the shame, guilt and remorse I’ve carried. I felt this way for letting them and myself down, not being there when they needed me, and not being able to get it together on my own.

We pull into the drive; I’m home, fortunately with several minutes to spare before my curfew. My sister and I talk, reminisce, laugh, hug, cry, and laugh through tears. She apologizes for not being there for me, for not being able to help me more. I had no idea she felt this way and tell her she has no need to apologize, explaining that I needed professional help to overcome my addiction and no one could have done it for me. We hug tightly, trying to fight back the tears, say I love you and we’ll see each other soon!

I walk in greet “my girls” and proceed with our RA for my drug screen. Drug screens are required immediately after each visit and pass. Yes, I passed. Now off to the living room to catch up with my roomies.

Everyone had a great day and visit with their families. Most of us complained about eating too much and how the time with our families passed too quickly. We talk and watch a little TV together. Then we raid the refrigerator for a late night snack of Thanksgiving leftovers, laughing and joking about the weight we’re gaining while pigging out again! LOL

Oh, I’m exhausted; it’s been a long and rather emotional but wonderful day! I say good night and I love you to my girls and head to bed. As I lie in bed, I reflect on the cherished moments of the day, shed a few sad and happy tears. I pray and thank God for such a wonderful day with my family, my extended family (my roomies and RAs), my counselors, rehab and sobriety. He has blessed me with so much and in so many ways that I cannot begin to count! God you are such a good, good Father! Thank you for loving, protecting and guiding me through life! Amen and goodnight!

Hello, Rehab!

House Mom and I talk and share our stories. She’s a recovering addict, different drug…but an addict is an addict, whether alcohol, pain pills, heroin, meth, gambling, food, etc! I’m somewhat reserved but feel I can relate with her.

The new roommates arrive at the house for lunch break. We exchange greetings and introductions over lunch. These ladies range from 18 years old to me, age 43. And yes, I was the oldest! LOL They all seem pretty friendly, encouraging and supportive.

My bunkmate is a pretty young lady about my daughter’s age, and children about the same age as my grandbabies, also both recovering addicts. She’s a rather quiet young lady but I felt a connection with her.

House Mom gave me the option of going to afternoon group or stay home, unpack and get settled in. I planned on going to group but chose to stay and settle in. This opportunity also gave House Mom and me a little extra time to get to know each other and get an idea of the daily routine.

The bedroom my roommate and I will share is nice, nothing fancy but cozy. Being the newbie, I got top bunk. At first I liked that, it made me feel like a kid. However, it didn’t take very many trips climbing up and down the bunk bed ladder to remind me (a 43 year old woman with back problems) that I’m not as young and agile as I used to be! LOL

I get unpacked; place my Bible and The Big Book along with some personal items on my dresser. As I’m pinning up photos of my kids, grandkids and my boyfriend on my board, I fight to keep the tears from flowing. Deep breath, I’m ok, it’s all gonna be ok!

Evening comes and my roommates arrive back home. We chat and get to know each other over dinner. After dinner chores are completed and we head out to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

I try to be open to the idea of the NA meeting, besides, I have no choice. I'm the only lady in our house for alcoholism, I’m just not seeing what I will get from NA…I’m an alcoholic, not a drug addict. Duh, as I mentioned before, an addict is an addict. These were great people full of wisdom and encouragement!

After the meeting we return home, pig out on snacks and talk some more. It’s been a long day so I decide to turn in for the night.

As I lie in bed and reflect on the day, I’m thankful for my situation. These young ladies have been through so much and yet they persevere. I shed a few tears as I think of my family, especially my children and grandchildren, and being away from them for three months. I pray for God to get me through this, make me a better, stronger, happier and healthier person…and fall asleep.

P.S. The reality of moving in with seven other ladies (of various ages), whom I’d never met, did not hit me until about a week into rehab! Wow, what the Heck did I get myself into?! LMBO

The Countdown to Rehab!

Oh, the prepping and packing for three months away from home…and my home was in foreclosure so…hmmm, where will I go, what will I do when I get out?! A million thoughts and feelings racing through my head, this was a huge step and commitment!

Rehab, three months away from home, my family, friends, and my church! So many thoughts and emotions, this was very scary, exciting and a huge relief! I’m extremely grateful and thankful that I’m going of my own volition! Thank you, Lord, for protecting me and anyone and everyone I came into contact with during my trips to self destruction!!!

Tuesday (Two days before rehab):
My Christian friend and I meet up to go shopping for clothes and miscellaneous items for rehab. We had lunch at Bob Evans; she asked if I wanted to say the prayer. My first time praying aloud with someone but God gave me the words and eased my nervousness and self-consciousness about it. It was a really nice day! I’m so thankful for my friend, her generosity, encouragement and prayers!

Visited with my other friend (my non-sponsor sponsor LOL) for a while, we talked; she cut and straight ironed my hair. She gave me so much encouragement and happy for me to finally get the help I desperately need. We had a very nice visit!

Back home, sorting through what to pack, more decisions. Oh, what a chore, yet, exciting and exhilarating, so much nervous adrenaline! Finally, pretty well packed, gotta get a shower and some make up on quick...he (my boyfriend, that is) is coming over after work!

HE’S here! I’m still re-thinking what I’m taking and finalizing my packing…again! He brought pizza and we talked, reminisced, laughed and joked. We were able to discuss my upcoming rehab and laugh about some of my alcoholic shenanigans…oh my! He stayed the night; we cuddled at bedtime, held each other, and enjoyed each other’s company! It was a great day!

Wednesday (One day before rehab):
Morning comes too quickly! It felt so good to wake up with him, like old times but, reality was beginning to slowly sink in. Will there be a future for us when I get back? I wanted to cry but had to stay strong.

We kissed each other good morning, had coffee and talked. The time has come to load things up so he can take me to Mom’s house. Our time together was slipping away entirely too quickly! The trip to Mom’s was rather quiet, we were both becoming increasingly aware of the fact I was leaving for three months.

We’re at Mom’s now, unloaded my stuff. He got to spend a few minutes with our granddaughter. We hugged tightly, wished each other well, kissed each other goodbye and he quickly drove off. I tried, but couldn’t hold the tears back, my heart and head raced as I watched him drive down the road.

Spent a great day with Mom and my beautiful grandbabies! The day flew by with a lot of playing, laughing and cuddling. Mom and I talked, laughed and cried at times. She was feeling all sorts of emotions, from being happy I was getting help to guilting me for needing to leave to blaming herself for my alcohol addiction. I tried to help her understand that my alcoholism is not her fault and we have a genetic predisposition to it, fortunately she was spared from it.

As hard as this was for me, I can’t imagine how tough and emotional it must have been for Mom. On top of this, she’s raising my two grandbabies. I’m so blessed to have such a strong, caring and loving mother, don’t know what I’d do without her!

Thursday (REHAB DAY!):
Fitful night of sleep and, again, morning comes way too quickly! I took a quick shower, guzzled some coffee and squeezed in as much quality time with Mom and my babies. My Christian friend will be here soon to take me to rehab…for three months!

Well, she’s here; we all visit for a brief time, now to load up and head out…for three whole months! It was a beautiful morning for a drive with a great Christian friend, riding through the country listening to K-Love and talking along the way. With a quick run through McDonald’s, I managed to eat breakfast on my nervous stomach.

Here we are! For a moment, I want to run away, I can’t do this! A few deep breaths, the time has come, no turning back now! She and I go in…oh, nerves and anxiety kicking in, racing heart, deep breath, this is it! We sit and talk for a few minutes…then they call MY name! After checking my bags for contraband, I’m told it’s time to part ways with my friend. We hug, say I love you, hug again and she walks out the door.

A lady takes me to her office to conduct my assessment. I feel surprisingly comfortable with her right away. She and I seem to hit it off well from the start and will be my primary group and individual counselor. I like this chic, smart, funny and compassionate!

Assessment done, nervously waiting on the house mom to arrive to take me to my new home. I’m allowed a few minutes to smoke and use my phone for the last time for the next ten days. I call Mom, Dad and my sister. They gave me heartfelt words of encouragement, and we tell each other I love you.

My house mom arrives, she seems friendly and positive. We chat as we walk over to my new home to meet my new roommates. This is all so frightening and exciting at the same time!

There had to be more to life than alcohol!

After a binge which lasted six days and nights, I realized I had hit a totally new emotional, mental and physical bottom. There had many bottoms; each time I thought was rock bottom…this time was very different!

Other than seeing some daylight and sitting in my bedroom drinking and drinking and drinking, I don't recall anything else that happened during those six days! I seriously doubt I even showered during that time and no clue if I ate anything.

I was emotionally bankrupt, I was DESPERATE for help, a deep and dark desperation I had never experienced before. There was absolutely no way I could go on like this! I didn’t want to die but I could not go on this way anymore!

Once I sobered up a bit, I began texting my church family who knew about my struggle with alcohol. Three dear friends showed up on my door step. They talked with me a while, prayed with me and bought a delicious hot pizza and groceries for my son and me. They were a Godsend that day and I will never forget their compassion and charity!

I believe it was then next day, I began calling rehab centers, had called a few before but never followed through. This time I had to follow through or something tragic and irreversible was going to happen, I knew it in my heart. I continued to drink a few times a week even while calling center after center trying to get in.

One afternoon after another night of drinking, I was lying in bed when I received a text from a Christian friend informing me of a job opening. I hesitated to reply but God told me to text her with a brief summary of my situation. She called, we talked and prayed and offered to help me however she could.

After hours, days and weeks of trying to locate a rehab facility that could take me in, I finally found one! Oh, thank God! My friend took me to my assessment on a Friday and I was put on the waiting list. Monday afternoon I received a phone call from a facility closer to home and my family, they had immediate openings, Hallelujah! God was showing me plain as day, the light at the end of that horribly dark tunnel.

The director of the facility talked with me a while, obtained my history, and told me it was a God thing because she had randomly selected my name from the list. I agreed this was definitely God’s handiwork!

Huge problem though! She wanted me to come the next day. I couldn’t go the next day! I had things to do, like laundry, packing, keep the appointment to change the oil in Dad’s truck I was driving, see my kids, grandkids, Mom, Dad, and of course, hopefully, see my boyfriend before I left. I asked if I could come Wednesday…no wait, “can I come Thursday?”

See what just happened there? God had clearly handed me this wonderful gift that I had been so desperately seeking and I was refusing to accept His gift by doing what I do best, procrastinating. Ok, deep breath, another deep breath…I bit the bullet and committed, “I’ll be there Thursday morning!”

I did not tell anyone of this call until the next day…WHY? Because as we alcoholics/addicts do, I was leaving myself a way out to continue my self destruction. As much as I wanted a better, healthier and happier life, freedom from the torment of alcohol, I was afraid to let go of my best and worst friend, alcohol!

Brief History of My Battle with Alcoholism

This is my story of my battle with alcoholism. Although I am blogging under a pen name to protect the innocent involved in my alcoholic nightmare, all accounts are true and accurate to my life.

My first drink was at about 14 years old then, only an occasional drink or two until about 21 years old. Each time I did drink, I liked the buzz that came with it, I felt freer to be me, not the shy and reserved person I was when sober. With alcohol, I could lighten up and be happy go lucky.

Later I married a man who, I did not realize, was an alcoholic. We had a child together; I also had a child from a previous marriage. I allowed myself and my children to stay in that verbally, emotionally and, sometimes, physically abusive marriage for ten years. During that time, I drank occasionally on the weekends but those occasional weekends of drinking eventually became more frequent. By the eighth year of that marriage, I developed an “if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” attitude, resulting in drinking 2, 3 or 4 times a week.

After the marriage ended, I met a man that made me very happy. He respected me and treated me like a lady, my soul mate. I slowly became happier with myself and life, drinking became less desirable and enjoyable. There were times that I could even have an occasional beer or two without getting drunk or needing more.

About five years into the relationship, we moved in together and he proposed to me, I was ecstatic! However, I was later diagnosed with fibromyalgia and a herniated disc and compressed nerve in my neck. Over time, I wound up on all kinds of medication for pain, sleeping, muscle relaxers, etc. I had spinal surgery to remove the disc and severe nerve compression. Needless to say, after surgery, I was dropped from most of my medication.

Over the next two years my children moved in and out of our home, my boyfriend was working a lot and I spent most of my time at home alone. To fill these voids, I would occasionally drink a little too much on the weekends rather than the social drinks he and I previously shared. I also began buying beer while at the grocery and sneaking it into the house, drinking in private and trying to hide the fact that I was drinking and drunk, which lead to many arguments and fights. To try to cover up my secretive drinking, I would drink coffee and make excuses that my actions were the result of my medication and too much coffee, and countless other lies.

I sought advice and guidance from my pastor and church family which would help for a while but never long enough. My boyfriend and I tried to work things out but it took its toll on him. He moved out for two years. We continued to see each other off and on trying to work out our relationship. I began outpatient counseling and attending twelve step group meetings. Although those steps were helping, that didn’t last long either, about four months at best. Even then, I was still drinking at times.

Eventually, I lost two part-time jobs and my home went into foreclosure. By this time, I was barely eating a meal a day and drinking 4-5 days a week, sometimes 6! And when I say drinking, I mean a 6 pack of 16 ouncers or more, usually more! Mind you that I only weighed between 85-90 pounds!

Beer was my mainstay but I could always find a way to muddle past the taste of wine, vodka or whiskey to get the escape for which I was searching and needing. I HAD to have alcohol! Drinking, brownouts, blackouts, passing out, waking up with regrets and remorse, vowing to never do it again, became my normalcy, a viscous cycle. I needed alcohol to survive anything, everything! Ironically, what I had to have to survive was destroying me, my life and my loved ones!